Caleb Howe is a cancer.

We’ve all met that guy. Maybe he went to your high school, sat next to you on an airplane that one time, has a nationally syndicated talk-radio and television show, or even attended one of those Tea Party protest and ended spouting off with his misspelled protest sign while someone interviewed him for a video you saw on YouTube. This type of individual is what I like to refer to as the “taint hair” of society.

“Taint hairs” serve no purpose in life but to irritate and annoy the whole of society. Their shit-eating grin of an attitude and toxic personalities, while giving the individual mysterious origins (probably the product of sexual abuse, universal rejection throughout their existance, or the deep-seeded idea that their lives are worthless unless they’re making other people miserable), make their infected rash of “character” stand out like the sore polyp on the asshole of the country. Caleb Howe is exactly this kind of asshole infection.

That episode of South Park, the clip in particular, put perfectly into words that attitude of why you can let guys like Caleb Howe or Eric Cartman, kids of a similar mind who believe they can never be taken down a notch since they’re always willing to shamelessly up the ante with their words (no matter how awful or retarded those words make them sound) when there’s no real or immediate perceived threat to them (it’s the internet after all!). The more defenseless, disabled, or weak the target is the better for them. People like that will not let up with their demeanor, no matter what’s said to them or who calls them out on their clear and universally repugnant behavior. What’s left to do when you’ve exhausted every other ration option you know of to satisfy their hunger for attention? You can’t just give up or forget about the problem and hope things will get better.

Instead physical action needs to be taken against them, to have them be beaten into a pulp, to be physically incapacitated, to be destroyed in order to understand that what they do and say to others in life has actual repercussions in the civilized world, where civilized people with even the remotest bit of compassion will stand against the entirety of everything they take pride in and build their repulsive characters on. How else can a disease change itself unless you put every ounce of effort into eradicating it?

And we’re not talking about a horrible and ruthless condition such as cancer here. Caleb Howe is like polio. He is god-awful scourge on the world, a blight of intelligence and moral character in every sense of the word, but with the right people working against him, attacking every vector of his words and callous opinion, he can eventually be eradicated from the face of the world. People will throw parades, celebrate across the globe, and cheer in unison when a personality like Caleb Howe’s is eliminated from the face of the earth. After all, Caleb Howe and his ilk are the weakest kind of disease, a condition that didn’t even deserve to exist, a condition that can instantaneously be stopped with the proper treatment and right attitude, due to how inherently weak and void of a backbone the core of the virus is.

A few days ago we reported on the ongoing comment war Caleb Howe had decided to wage on a man who Howe could only dream would respond to his inane and apparently drunken troll of an opinion. The opinion that a public figure who would dare have a contrary thought (and in a would where public opinions these days are vastly retarded and where Roger Ebert’s smart and concise conclusion had an air of thoughtful dignity to it) deserves, not to be argued with or debated over, but instead needs to be mocked and humiliated on the internet for having had their lower jaw removed due to a horrible recurrence of cancer.

Talk about lack of substance. Then again if you’re a reader of Caleb Howe’s RedState blog or his Twitter account you pretty much know that substantive thinking, or even the ability to process a single thought in any capacity, is not one of Caleb Howe’s strong suits. Look at the expert wit and maturity he displays when he starts to cry over Gawker publishing a story about his maleficence:

“Oh no but it was obviously a joke but it doesn’t matter what I say because you’re a meanie and I don’t care lalalalalalala *plugging ears and running around like a moron*”. What a superstar. And then on top of it all Caleb Howe decides he needs to dig the grave a little deeper by posting yet another poorly worded elementary school essay about how he’s justified in hating every living iota of Roger Ebert and should be commended on insulting the man’s cancer for reasons even Caleb Howe can’t quite pin down. I couldn’t even finish reading Caleb Howe’s words.

The man’s attitude and the way he strings words together to create some semblance of a sentence exudes an essence of “my name is Caleb Howe and I literally put shit into my mouth every day and digest it into my body, I am a being completely fueled by the stuff that other people shit out of their assholes and I am making this apparent to you by the way I craft my shit-induced argument to make a point that no one can understand unless they consume as much shit on a daily basis as I, Caleb Howe, do”.

He portrays himself as the victim with his words. He can’t quite process in his small mind what he did wrong, but instead of thinking on that context (it would be too hard for him to look inside himself, there’s too much rank shit floating around), Caleb Howe decides to attack Ebert even further for being a guy who has an independent thought in his mind every once in a while and would be inclined to share it with the world or the tens of millions of people who have read and continue to read Roger Ebert’s columns, books, blog, reviews, Twitter feed, and everything else the guy has accomplished in a 30-something year career and counting.

Instead of offering the man a real heart-felt apology, the exact thing Roger Ebert deserves from a tumor like Caleb Howe, Caleb Howe does the kind of thing that “taint hairs” in society do, presenting the most self-serving and sarcastic excuse  an individual can come up with after ingesting a few shit-laced vodka tonics (I doubt Howe could function or bring himself to write with anything less in his system). The smugness radiates from every pore of Caleb Howe’s dick suck of an article (the title of his apology is “I don’t like Roger Ebert”). Karoli on Crooks and Liars puts this enraged feeling in to words better than I properly can:

Great. Glad he apologized, even if it was contained between paragraphs of self-justifying nonsense. Still, I am glad he apologized. He should’ve done it days ago directly to Ebert, but all progress comes in baby steps.

He’s still wrong about Twitter. Real people do inhabit the place, just like the real people who inhabit comments on the posts here at Crooks and Liars. Real people, with real lives, real health problems, real concerns and real interests. They’re even real voters. They come to social networks looking for a connection and a conversation. It’s not all of life, but it is a part of daily life in this connected world of ours, and if Howe is really sorry, he’ll get a clue about that.

Howe’s declaration that Twitter isn’t real life reveals more about why he did what he did than anything else. When nothing is real, when it’s all a game, when cancer is a word and not a disfiguring disease, all bets are off. This is how those words made it through his filters, because no one was real to him. Not one person.

Caleb Howe is a fascinating look at how conservatives think. No one is real; it’s all a game. Roll the 20-sided die for your contempt score, move to the next battle. This ability to disconnect from humanity is what should disqualify them from any leadership role whatsoever.

It’s unnecessary to belabor the point any further, if you’re like 98% of the world and have the social wherewithall to see how Howe is so completely wrong in everything he is doing in this situation then congratulation, you deserve to hate the man just as much as I do. If you’re a stinky disgusting taint like Caleb Howe, however, you’ll just have to live with yourself (the worst punishment of all and the most likely cause of all your shortcomings). I hesitate to extrapolate Caleb Howe’s attitude and suggest that this is how Conservatives in general deal with their problems, by spouting off poisonous statements they hopefully don’t even mean and then getting more aggressive and irrational when you’d dare question their words and logic (since it might hurt their brains to think about it for a second),  but with venues like FOX News, RedState, Free Republic and with personalities like Rush, Glenn, Hannity, and others it’s no surprise where Caleb Howe might have acquired his taste for shit and where he refined his complex palette for dishing it out.